God is faithful. I know that full well. Even in the hardest times I never feel alone. God is always there to listen. He already knows what I'm thinking but talking really helps! He has also given me Chris. A good support system and Godly man that I have been in love with for 13 years! Aiden who keeps me smiling even when I have bad days. He is so loving, sweet, and caring to be so young. Thankful for that. Surrounded by those three things daily makes me realize how lucky I am!
The months of Oct - Nov are now hard to get through. Who would expect them different if they've read my blog post prior? We lost (what would have been our second child) Gracen first of October 2011. It was a hard few months after that last year. November, trying to get back to normal and then holidays hitting. It wasn't easy! I prayed more daily than I ever have, I cried more than I ever have, and I was grateful more than I ever have been. When you have something like a baby taken from you, or a loved one of any kind for that matter, you realize what matters and what you should be focusing on! The things you forgot to thank God for and we all do that from time to time. I heard a quote on KLove radio one day.
"What if you woke up tomorrow only with things you thanked God for today!" Wow!
Well, a year later and those two months are still hard to get through. Its easier, but still hard. When things come up that throw you back in the moment. Things around you remind you of that time. When others are celebrating their news when you are still grieving over yours. Its all hard.
Just know that days get easier, the pain never goes away but hurts less every day (at least for me), and God is always faithful. I lean on Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, Patient in trouble, and Faithful in prayer."
I am so thankful that my friend, Christy Dunlop, told me about this!! Chris, Aiden, and I attended the 3rd annual "Walk to Remember" hosted by CrossHeart Ministries on October 22, 2012 at Colliverville.
Here is copy of brochure!
In honor of our baby Gracen Hoshell
We arrived, signed in and got our goodies. It consisted of a t-shirt
(with baby names on back), bracelets for infant loss, brochures for
CrossHeart, balloon (pink or blue if you knew gender or green if you
didn't) to write on, sticker that said "I'm a Mom!" We took pictures
and began meeting people. Robin and her husband gave a great speech and led the two
mile walk around the pond. The point was "as we walk for the steps our little ones will never take." That alone can make you cry, but there is a sense of peace in me only God can give! After that, we all
gathered and listened to another speech from Robin (founder of
CrossHeart) and her short version of testimony. Its amazing to hear!
Then we waited on baby names to be called our in alphabetical order and
we released balloons at that time. The sky filled with balloons, such
peaceful feeling! They served pizza and waters after that for all to
enjoy and continue chatting. We left shortly after that and talked the
whole way home of our experience and how glad we were that we did that
as a family!!!
It was an amazing experience. The testimony CrossHeart gives and the support they offer is incredible. The people we met. The openness everyone had and were able to talk/share about our stories and babies we love. To see all the parents that came out to honor their baby/babies was comforting. Why? Because you know you are not only alone in the grief, peace, and yearning for your baby. Knowing that these babies are considered lives to more people than yourself. They are a life in Heaven that we WILL see one day. Same as a grandmother dying, a baby dies and is perfect in Gods house! Its a life lost! No matter how young or old, we lost them... and miss them! I love their "healing" vision verse which is: Psalm147:3 "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
It was a heart breaking experience. To see just how MANY babies have been lost too soon. To see each set of parents holding their balloon(s) in honor of that baby they don't get to hold. Looking up at OUR balloon thinking about Gracen. To see the NUMBER of balloons some were holding. Here I was holding ONE balloon, missing my baby so much and there were some holding a clump of them! It humbled me. Strong people out there for sure. God is good and knowing that all those babies are in His presence is comforting in that moment too. I mean, we did release balloons in the sky to our babies...
Although it was an amazing yet heart breaking experience, I enjoyed every minute of it. Chris said he did too, even felt comfortable and he talked/shared with two other men. One being Robin's husband who has a big testimony of how God is faithful. It was a much needed sense of "closure" for me to spend that day honoring our baby with others that feel the exact same way. Its hard to talk about loosing your baby with others because some feel awkward (if they haven't experienced it themself), some don't care, some don't understand. In this moment everyone KNEW with out even having to speak! We did speak though and it felt good. We cried, smiled, and prayed together. Aiden loved the balloon release part the most. He understood (somewhat) of what we were doing. As we let go of the balloon when they called out "Gracen" our sweet boy, Aiden, says "That's Gracen's balloon!" He knows Gracen is in Heaven and that its his "sister" as he says. One day we will know for sure!
Thank you God for your amazing grace and showing us we are not alone! Yet another "bring us out of our comfort zone" moment. Walk to Remember for a lost baby is something I never thought I would be attending....
Its October... fall is here, weather is cooling off, scarecrows and pumpkins are out, soups and hot chocolate seem more enticing, boots and long sleeves are coming out... BUT did you know that October is also "awareness month" for a few different causes that touch so many lives?
That's right! Its Breast Cancer, Down Syndrome, and Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month!
All causes are equally important, touching and affecting so many lives. You don't realize how needed raising awareness for a cause is until one of the reasons for the cause hits home. The cause that affects me personally is Pregnancy & Infant Loss. If you know me personally or have read my story on here then you know why! Gracen caused my knowledge of that specific cause to surface just last year. Honestly, I didn't even know it was so much out there for the cause till I was in the women's hospital and saw things about it because of all months that we lost our baby, it was October!
Needless to say, this month is now very hard for us...
To honor our baby, the three of us (my husband, son, and I) are participating in a "Walk to Remember" in a few weeks. Also, the candle remembrance day will be on my calendar and you will smell the warm fall scents all through the house on Oct 15th! Please join me that evening in lighting a candle to remember those babies lost. I pray for peace, comfort, and understanding if you have personally experienced the loss of child. Its hard, no matter what stage/age of life your baby was. Remember, there are others out there experiencing the same things and through causes/awareness/etc we can come together and support/encourage each other! I know friends, family, and now people who have reached out since I experienced our loss that have gone through the same thing. It happens more than you ever would have realized.
If you think you are experiencing a miscarriage, please contact your Doctor..
"Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according
to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).
Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized
pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Chemical pregnancies
may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy
is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs
around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize
that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy. " via APA website at link below.
I also personally know people affected by the other causes for the month. If you haven't read my friend and past co-workers story of her precious Mary Martin (Down Syndrome Awareness) and the impact God has let her short little life be to the world, clickHERE.
Please visit links to see more about each one. There are many sites out there!
Ecclesiastes 7:14 says,
"When life is good, enjoy it. But when life is hard, remember; God gives good times and hard times, and no one knows what tomorrow will bring."
Romans 8:18 says,
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us."
Today marks one year since we lost a precious part of our family... Gracen, our second child. IF you haven't read my "Gracen" post before, I suggest you stop, scroll down, read, and come back!!
Gracen Hoshell Oct 2nd 2011
It doesn't seem like a year since I experienced one of the hardest days of my life. No parent wants to think about loosing a child, no matter their age, much less experience it first hand. When it happens to you there's a moment you get stuck in, a mere sense of shock, a sudden emptiness you never knew.On the other hand we held it together better than Chris or I ever thought we would. Having Christ in our lives, the center of it all, having a plan and reason for taking our baby so soon makes it easier to grasp. Not that we didn't hurt, cry, or have questions as to what the reason was. Just knowing children are important to God and He took our baby back home we had a sense of peace. How can you not be "happy" that a child you already loved was already spending eternity with God? I mean isn't that where we all should long to be for ourselves and for everyone on earth? Gracen just gets a head start over us! We will see his/her face one day and be a complete family again... for eternity! That's something we won't get to do here, time here is temporary, so would I rather have our baby for a short time on earth or forever in Heaven? I choose the latter. I would have loved to have had two children back in May, hold my baby, hear the cries, change more diapers, sing to him/her but God knows best! I can't question it, I just have to trust in it. Priorities change, faith grows even stronger, family is tighter, and love is deeper when something like that happens to you! I still think about Gracen a lot. I pray for more children and continued peace/strength to cope with the loss. No matter how bad it hurts, the pieces you don't see in the completed puzzle of your life, and the milestones you missed are nothing compared to what God has in store. He had a plan for taking Gracen. I may not ever know exactly why this side of Heaven, but I know my baby is in a far better place and experiencing far greater joy than s/he would ever have here.
To celebrate Gracen's short life and the impact its had on our life this past year we did something special today!
First, to keep my mind from dwelling on the date, I went out shopping with Mom and Aiden today. Aiden got new fish to add to this tank and we spent some nice time with Mom, much needed adult chats, etc. Such a good day! When Chris got home, he gave me the Willow Tree figurine (Remembrance) I had mentioned getting on the one yr anniversary to add to our collection! We had planned on doing something special and both prepared verses to read. The three of us went outside to the cross we had put up May 14th (Gracen's due date) in the back yard as a memorial and sang "Happy Birthday" then Aiden wanted some "cake" so that we did. I had bought cupcakes in blue and pink (since we don't know the sex of Gracen) for today and a balloon with "happy birthday" on it where I wrote an added note "Gracen 10.2.11" that we released to Heaven!! We then had a time of prayer and read our verses. I had written a letter this afternoon to Gracen and read it out loud tonight... that was HARD but it was so comforting to say! Aiden sat so quietly eating his cupcake and smiling when we'd finish scripture. He finished us off with his verse of Jeremiah 29:11 (yes, he can quote it by himself). Some verses we read are below in case you want to dig into your Bible! Aiden kept saying, "Gave the balloon to Gracen in Heaven!" When we finished, Chris said "We're going inside to eat, say goodnight to Gracen." Aiden looks in the sky with such a serious face and says, "Goodnight Baby Gracen!" He is so sweet and says some of the most mature things. We don't talk about it a lot around him b/c we thought he was too young to grasp what happened, but he some how knows more than we've said to him! Its one of those things you feel God sends those little comfort messages to you through him. He told me one day when I asked him if he knew baby Gracen was his baby brother or sister in Heaven, after nodding "yes" replied "Baby Gracen got hurt and lives with Jesus." Really? Wow!! There's been other things too but I will keep those more private as we feel those are Gods messages of comfort to us...
Our family by the memorial cross tonight!
Memorial Cross, Balloon, and Cupcakes!
Happy Birthday Balloon Release!
Aiden enjoying birthday cupcakes! lol
Verse and Remembrance Willow Tree
Job 1:20-21
Proverbs 3:5-6
Psalm 137:13-16
Psalm 127:3
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Romans 8:28
Romans 12:12
Jeremiah 29:11
"God Grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference! "
" Steady my Heart" by Kari Jobe via YouTube
Gracen, our angel in Heaven. God shed His grace on us! A tiny life lost so soon yet loved the same! We'll see you one day!
Happy 1st Heavenly Birthday!! ... Love Mommy, Daddy, and big brother
I'm asking everyone to join me and millions of other Americans in praying for our Country!
This is serious and real, America NEEDS GOD back at the center. Some people may not want to believe that sentence. This country was founded on "In God We Trust" and now look at where this ONCE GREAT nation is...Leaders who won't pledge to the flag, pray, or mention His name, God or the words of God being taken out of any and everything possible, protests that it offends others to mention religion/etc, higher rate in crimes, poor economy, and so much more. If we want to recover in all areas, we have got to ASK GOD for HELP!!! I pray this election isn't about race, political party, whose proving others right or wrong, but whats BEST for America as a whole. The choices we make in this election are crucial and affects each American, not just our own soap box saying "we won!"
Before you take a stand/vote for a candidate, ask yourself (especially us as Christians its our job to seek Gods guidance in EVERYTHING we do) have we prayed, really prayed, about it and asked God for His guidance on the vote we cast??
I've gotten in the mood lately to do some "fall cleaning" since I'm on the opposite end of the season for "spring cleaning fever!" I guess its the fact that the winter is coming and we'll be inside a lot more than we are most of the year. When that happens I drive myself nuts with the things I see that are what seems dirtier than they did months before! I usually pick up and keep things clean through the week since I'm here I have some time to do it constantly then twice a week (usually Mon to clean from weekend and Fri to clean from the week) I do thorough stuff like dusting, mopping, clorox wipe down lots of stuff... I'm a germaphobe... bathrooms, etc! Anyway, back to the point of my blog... found some neat tips or products THAT WORK. If you're like me, you try something and are disappointed because it failed or worked but only enough to say you did it not enough to see good results! Been trying to go natural where I can, still have my favorite products, and found some great tips or tricks online! Here's just a few.
Natural Carpet Cleaning Mix!
Check out the blog link !Just know I tried this today and IT WORKS just look at the picture of my solution after I cleaned rooms and the dirty what was white cloth!
I had tried multiple foam/spray cleaners and even borrowed my mother in laws steam vac not long ago and my carpets looked fresh but still had stains that didn't come out. Our carpet is seven years old now as it was brand new when we moved in. Hard to believe its been that long! Anyway, its still nice for most part but after that long and a toddler boy its gotten some spots that I couldn't get out. Today I mixed this up while he was eating lunch and went for it with SUCCESS! I feel so much better and cleaner in here already :) Its amazing what a few stains on the carpet can seem like. I mean, I've literally been hinting around for new fresh carpet! lol Can't wait to show my hubby when he gets home... Well, I'm hoping he notices it first. I understand this may not happen for two reasons, one being he's a guy and other like I said earlier our carpet in whole is still good just some areas of high traffic, Aiden's spot in den where he spills snack/drinks, in front of my dresser where I've put on makeup since we lived here...and those wouldn't come out for anything else...and a few other areas where the "shoes off at tile entry" rule faded after a couple years being here so unless he's looking at them he won't know. We'll see! I'd advise reading the comment section under her blog too. Here's some "after" pics from my home. I wish I had thought to take "before" but I sure didn't think it would work this good. You get the point!
Aiden's room! No more spilled chocolate milk spots, dirt from shoes, or marker!
In front of my dresser where the deep makeup stains were!! Sorry our maroon comforter and sheer curtain cast a shadow so it looks a diff tint but carpet is same color as above!
Speaking of Vinegar...
I have done the baking soda/vinegar bathroom and kitchen cleaning method. I have something posted on my Pinterest board if you follow me and want to get it. I also use Vinegar to clean windows (its stout but natural). After reading the above link I might just add it to towels in the laundry and Chris' ball clothes too! I found a peroxide/water mixture online that I use to clean counter tops a lot because its natural but I still love the thought of C and L disinfectant wipes doing their job though!!
Made into my Couch Cleaner...
Yes, we have a
microfiber couch and love it. So comfy and had a stain blocker new
which was great.... until it wore off as its also seven years old. I was
so careful cleaning it and such b/c I knew water can seep in and stain
it too. Well, after a dog, child, and us eating there a lot its
happened. Its a deep red so spots look real dark and dirty when its
really been cleaned. It bothers me being one of the main things you see
when you walk into the house, so I went on a search for something that
may work. I was at Petco and saw this natural stain remover. It was
expensive so it has to work, right? Well, lucky me it was on clearance
for $2 originally $12 so of course its worth a try now! lol I will
have you know, its worked too. Oh my! I found something that takes the
stain out and makes it look fresher. I spray on like advised, let sit a
few mins, and take a bath cloth (red for my couch... I'd advise color of
your couch or close for the rag) and wet it but ring ALL the water out
then wipe area down. Once it dries there's a VERY noticable difference
and you can TELL its been cleaned. Yay for that lucky find! Now, I have
to savor it because my alternate luck is that they'll discontinue it :)
Nature Inside?
I've added more house plants to the house too. Its natural O2 right! Well, I am usually not good with inside plants for some reason. I blame the air or something in the house! lol I got one as spring arose from Lowe's and its STILL LIVING! Go me! Probably longest ever living plant inside. I claim the plants are going to help add extra boost to my winter sinus problems so I got another on clearance at Wal Mart the other day to put in our bedroom. I had one in there few months ago, but of course it started to wilt. Plants just make inside FEEL fresh.
I wanted to just share some sites for those Women and Moms out there looking for more... more time in The Word, more time to yourself, more insight to motherhood, more encouragement, more of God less of us!! Hope you enjoy and can get plugged into one of these sites, studies, or something at your home church. God is worthy of our praise and worship!
"Our Children First See God Through Us!" - Linda Anderson
The title of this blog is something that you have to trust in. If you have had to wait on Gods timing rather than your own, things didn't go as planned, something was harder to get or do than you ever imagined it to be, you experienced set back after set back, you were so anxious and ready but had to wait and wait, and so on... then you KNOW what I mean! I believe the times things fell into place right then and there or exactly when you wanted (and each of have experienced this at times too you just may no of realized it as much b/c it went your way) it wasn't luck, or merely anything you did alone, but your needs/desires/etc were a reflection of Gods timing for you then too! Isn't it funny how we realize or praise God when we makes us wait for something that its His timing and His plan but the things that come with out hesitation we seem to just be happy about and move on with our day with out praising where that really came from? Maybe its not always like this, but I know there have been times I haven't thanked God for the puzzle fitting on the first try!!
Well, lately "Gods Timings" have been on my mind and the wait has been in my life journey more than I'd ever imagined. There are things I wish I knew if I would get the answer yes or no to a prayer but that is something I have to wait for, patiently and whole heartily trusting God! God answers our prayers, it just may not be the exact answer you wanted. He has a plan, purpose, and reason for everything!!
That last sentence brings me to a recent status update I posted:
"God
puts people in our lives for a reason, at the right times, and for a
purpose!! Whether you meet someone new and connect right off the bat,
re-connect with someone from your past both in new stages of life but
share something very similar you never dreamed you would, or etc!! Once
you open your eyes, heart, and mind you will start to understand why God
allowed you to cross paths!!"
This I truly believe and those examples have showed them self clear just this week for me! I thank God for the people in my life... There has been a few things on my heart and now I see where I should go from here with those ideas after having met or re-connected with a few people! Keep your heart open and even if you are hesitant take Gods lead and follow His plans for your life.
As I wrap up this post, one thing on my mind the past week has been my time spend at home... not physically here but mentally here. To stop thinking about what I need to clean, what errand I have, etc. Going from a full time working woman in the medical field to a stay at home Mom can take a toll on your mind. Bringing home a paycheck to being fully dependent on your husbands gives a sense of dependence that you have to get used to. Sometimes your mind wanders.
Thank you, God, for the timings you have shown me this week in so many different areas this week!!! I pray that I invest my time and my attention to the right places at the right times.
Gosh, time has flown by but not with out it being cherished daily! I can't believe two years ago he came into this world. I still remember the day at the hospital, the first sight I got of him, and the love that exploded when I held him for the first time! He was amazing and still is... Here's some pics from his 2yr session with me!
We took him to the Hernando park for a few minutes while we finalized the birthday plans in the pavilion then onto Memphis Children's Museum of Memphis on his actual birthday!! Chris took off work and we went as a family for his first trip! He loved it. Yay, something new for us to do this winter indoors!! It's a tradition for us to take him some place new or do something new on his actual birthday as a family. We know one day it may not work out but while we can we will. Last year it was a first Memphis Zoo trip!
He is growing up, too quick. At his 18 month check up he tested at a 2yr level on verbal/comprehension so I was curious to see where he was at this milestone. On July 10th he had his 2 yr check up and tested 6 months ahead still. So, he is one smart little guy who talks a bunch for his age!! lol
Things about Aiden:
Repeats everything. Thankfully, we don't cross paths with many we have to worry about this one and what he hears. But it has and does happen (which he hasn't repeated any of yet) and TV is the worst. You don't realize till kids come into the home and are listening to everything. We try not to expose ourself to it but even commercials cuss now. We are thinking of the parent senor thing online that beeps things out for you...
Make full sentences. Yes, and has been since he was around 18months old. They make sense too! Recite his ABC's and count to TEN in English and Spanish. He can go to 18 in English when he's having a good day and concentrating!
He knows basic colors but responds with "green" 90% of the time b/c its his favorite color and I have to remind him to look before answering! lol
He sings songs and knows a hand full of chorus to his favorite adult songs. He can sing toddler rhymes too most by himself. He is on all big boy food and drinks now and uses silverware when necessary!
He knows places we've been and most places we're going if we've been before. This he did NOT get from me! I get lost all the time.
Can identify body parts (the ones we've taught him, lol), animals, shapes, some letters and numbers too!
He can spell his name and recognizes it written out.
He can say his own blessing and knows Jeremiah 29:11 (his dedication verse)! That I am proud of most.
His favorites are Bulldozers, Baseball, His stuffed puppy (Dogo), Gummy Snacks, Chocolate Milk, Team Omizoomi, Caillou, Good Luck Charlie, Music, Guitars, His Tool Set, Riding Daddy's Rzr, Playing in the water, sandbox, and just being outside!
We had his party on June 30th (day after his birthday) and it went great, considering the horrible MS heat! He chose the theme and picked "Bulldozers" so I had to search online and throw together things here and there to pull it off as most are 'construction zone' themes. We held it at Conger park and rented the wood pavilion, invited family and his boy buddies, had a baby slip and slide, cake and presents!! It was nice and he enjoyed every minute. Here's some pics!
Thanks to all the buddies who came!
I love this little boy more each day and we have so much fun together. Some days are challenging for us both but for the most part we are best buds!!
It's time to share with the world our story that got us to where we are today! Sharing our story is hard, even still, but it makes us who we are as a family and our gracious God chose it to happen for a reason, so I felt led to include it in our journey!!
This was us on September 3rd, 2011. Day we found out I was four weeks pregnant and we'd soon be a family of four!!
Here's the story. We had started talking about wanting our kids close together in age (yes, big step from the first 5yrs of marriage when we wanted to keep waiting before having kids) and just spur of the moment decided we would began trying that same month, in August. So it was kind of a leap of faith as it wasn't really planned out like we did with Aiden! We conceived the first month trying! Shock, excitement, anxiety struck when the 4 week mark came and I got a positive test a day after I had missed my period. I actually felt pregnant a couple days before I found out, but thought I can't be we just started trying. It was weird, I started having the same symptoms at 4 weeks I had the first pregnancy starting at 5 to 6 weeks. I took the test and by the time I looked at the hour glass to make sure it was working it flashed a couple times and popped up PREGNANT!! I was like "What? That was no where near 3 mins!" I had to look twice before I went in the den to tell Chris. We were very excited and the getting ready for our first family Ole Miss game that morning was quickly sped up because I wanted pictures THE DAY we found out being we were all genuine smiles! Even though it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision to actually try for a second one we had talked about it before and Chris was animate on having them about 2yrs apart because of sports, etc. He had once said after we had Aiden, "Decide if you want more cause its 2yrs or we stick with one and done!" That was our phrase, "One and done!" Which we were okay with then and used so freely when someone asked us about having more. I mean we were totally in control of that, right? I was nervous to expand again because Aiden had just turned one and I knew it had to be soon if that was gonna happen that way and I didn't know if I could handle them that close (double diapers, bottles, tantrums, lack of sleep, strollers, and on, and on ran through my head!). I prayed and thought about it and decided I'd want to get pregnant during the fall again to be 'recovered' by the summer and they'd be just under 2yrs! So, then we both became guilty of trying to work it all out for OUR great plan and wanted it for selfish reasons I'd say as I look back! Anyway to move on...but that had to be told to make the point at the end. I didn't schedule my first pre-natal visit until Oct 13th as I'd be between 9-10 weeks along and they said it was okay as I had a great first pregnancy they usually don't see you till later unless you have a problem and NEED to come in earlier. I was due May 14th. At 7 weeks along I began to bleed and feel very weird. I laid down and tried not to freak out, but after a few hours of worrying I decided to phone the nurse line and talk to them. After a few updates there was no need for an ER visit at the time. Sunday morning I woke up feeling MUCH worse and had all the signs of a miscarriage as my bleeding increased, my back hurt, and I had a headache. I told Chris we needed to head to Baptist Women's so we got ready for that instead of church. I stayed there 4hrs getting checked, monitored, blood work, and extensive ultra sound done.The u/s showed baby was intrauterine (for those who don't know that's a good thing!) but was measuring a little small and HR was low (not really a good thing). I was told to go to my regular OBGYN the next morning. So, Monday we did as soon as they could get us in which was easy considering they had hospital records sent to them on my status. We were nervous of course to see what progress what made or not made since yesterday, during my u/s the tech was having trouble finding the HR and the baby looked so tiny (of course they're all tiny at 7 wks but I remember Aiden's first ultra sound at 6 wks and they looked the same). The tech FINALLY found it after I did the breathing technique she had me do then hold my breath so it picked up better. I got up off the table feeling like I was in slow motion, a blur in a horror movie. They took us in to see the doctor and she informed us I was "high-risk for a miscarriage at the moment." My progesterone levels had dropped from blood work at hospital so she prescribed progesterone meds to help increase it. The baby was measuring smaller than due date and blood work says I was. I was 7wks 1 day and baby was 6wks 1d with a HR of 100bpm. Which "isn't too bad for the weeks measuring" per our doctor but she did say "it was low enough for concern with the other problems I was having." The three things (hormone levels, HR, and small growth) together is what wasn't looking too good on the outcome... If given just one of the three we may have been okay but not all three at once. I was given bed rest, medicine, and instructions to come back on Thursday to do it all over again. So, after crying and praying for God to intervene and save our baby, we decided on the way home that we had to tell our parents and inform them of what was happening as we now needed help with Aiden and me during days ahead. Sure wasn't how we wanted to tell of our 'exciting' news which is now not so 'exciting' to share, but God had other plans. It was the longest two days I've ever had. I prayed, cried, slept very little, and tried not to be anxious and worry (1 Peter 5:7). We went back on Thurs (with out Aiden this time since family knew they kept him so Chris could be more attentive and there for me) and the u/s showed baby was STILL behind and HR was hanging on but STILL at 100pbm. That appointment the Dr wasn't as re-assuring now that two days of medicine and no progress was at hand. Chris asked her straight up, "Do you think she'll miscarry based on what you see today?" She really didn't want to answer as she hesitated and looked a little sadder as she spoke, "I've seen pregnancies just like this turn out full term, but you're chances of loosing the baby are high." I took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears, not that I didn't already kind of know this but hearing it was hard. I had prayed and prayed for God to let it all be okay, save and heal our baby, let there be progress this time, and so on. We both had every night since that ER visit and know our family/friends we told had too. I got dressed, we were told to continue bed rest/medicine and come back on Tues and we walked out with what felt like lost hope. I told myself I wasn't going to get depressed, not yet, God could perform miracles so the Doctors weren't always right and my baby was still living inside me!! We did, however, have a change of heart felt faith and a tugging saying we were still being selfish, trying to make it turn out how WE wanted it to, and not FULLY letting God have the outcome. So, that night we prayed for God to still save our baby... but not in the same request we had been all week. This time we asked Him to save the baby from suffering (whether that be to heal it and let it live or take it home to be with Him in perfectness). The baby was fighting for his/her life already at 6, 7, and now 8 weeks and not even in the world yet so I knew it wasn't fair and we had to let go of my desires. It wasn't right to keep holding on to something just because we saw it as ours, it was really Gods (Psalm 127:3) and He sent his ONLY son to die for us with no hesitation! I didn't deserve for Him to give His son which He loved so much to suffer on my behalf, but He did and with love at that. I was trying to hold onto my SECOND child (I already had a perfect, loving little boy he blessed us with just 14 months before this) and I realized I needed to fully give this to God. It may not be the outcome I wanted, but I had to trust that whatever happened was HIS plan for our life (Jeremiah 29:11). It was the longest week ever! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning my bleeding actually slowed up a lot. I was getting excited and thinking its getting better!! Well, I got up off the couch in the middle of a movie we were watching and went to the bathroom as I felt funny and around 4pm I miscarried. My heart stopped and I was speechless. Yes, that's right...I began to improve then out of no where my worst fear happened. I can honestly say it was nothing like what I had heard, read, or imagined it to be thanks to the grace of God. I didn't have any heavy bleeding during or after, cramping, vomiting, etc as I actually didn't feel a thing!! I only knew it happened b/c I saw it. I sat down, it happened, and was over! That was an answered prayer in itself. I believe that was ALL GOD as I had realized through the week (as I said earlier) that maybe the prayers we were asking were selfish and we wrong as it wasn't Gods will for this baby to live and it was struggling in there. So I began to pray in a selfless way and just ask for peace and strength to get through what ever the outcome and if the baby wasn't meant to live to just take it back so it doesn't have to fight for a life its not meant to have and if the miscarriage could go quick and painless please (okay, that might have been a little selfish) so I could get back to raising the little boy I did have as he wasn't his usual self as Mommy hadn't picked him up or done everything for him all week like I always did. It hurt me not to be there for him day or night but it hurt to know I may loose a child so I did what I had to do. From one Sunday to the next Sunday our excitement quickly turned into loss and grieve. I have prayed so much and still I can say I don't know where to go from here. You think what was wrong? Will it happen again? Was it a boy or girl? What is Gods plan for all this? What am I not seeing?
Well, its been almost a year since that journey began and I STILL don't know ALL of Gods reasons for our miscarriage. I DO know that He opened our eyes to the fact that we needed to draw closer to Him, each other, and as a family as things can change in an instant whether you are ready or not. Would I change it? That's a hard one. I want my baby here with me but if I chose to change it than I learned nothing and aren't really at peace, giving it all to God. So, NO! We thought we were submitting to Gods will daily, but after that we realized we still had our selfish ways and desires. Its not about us, what we want, when we want something, or how we want it... We are Gods children and here to worship Him in every way! Through this we worship His mighty name and praise Him for opening our eyes, carrying us through this tough time, healing our baby, and loving us through it all. I never thought I could handle something like that, don't get me wrong its been hard and I have break downs (that aren't happening as often as months past), but I did and with a greater faith than before!! God has the full puzzle put together and we just see each piece as life goes on and until we get to Heaven we will never FULLY understand every moment in our life whether its joy, strife, grief, excitement. We aren't just to praise God in the good times when things are going smooth but in every situation (2 Corinthians 2:14). Its hard but it has given us a greater sense of faith and trust in our God. I miss our baby every day, but am at peace knowing its in Heaven in perfectness and isn't hurting anymore. God reminded us through this that our plans aren't the right ones or the right reasons and HIS are perfect to give it all to Him and stop taking control and submit to His will in everything even when you think you are, pray and make sure! We decided to name the baby the weekend of May 14th (my due date). We bought a wood cross from Hernando's A-fair the week before and decided on 'Gracen' since we thought it represented either gender and the situation of Gods grace on us during the whole thing perfectly, hence the spelling! That cross, a solar light, and daylillies are in our back yard in memory of Gracen and I often look over and smile knowing one day I will hold my baby! Oh what a sweet day that will be.
I will always remember this event as its a big emotional part of me and my family. I won't know this side of Heaven why this happened but I know it HAD to happen and there IS a reason! For a while I didn't talk about it with people other than the family and close friends who knew, but then I realized the more I kept it in the more I grieved and felt as though I did something wrong (which I know I didn't) and that maybe part of our journey was to share our story to help others going through the same thing or to share Gods love! "More of you and less of me" verse in the Christian song gets me to thinking... Why was I hesitant to share it openly? Was I worried what people would think? Maybe that we'd get more attention and constantly be crying in public as another person have us their apoligies? What was it? Well, I don't exactly know... everyone handles things differently but through prayer I know I have to let it out to start letting it go! Its part of us, Gods plan for us, we have a child in Heaven. It will never be erased from me, but I can be more comfortable with it as time passes. We
will be a complete family of four (unless God surprises us with another pregnancy) in Heaven
for eternity and that's more time than I would have ever had on earth with my baby! I
am at peace knowing this... not to say the 14th of May won't be a hard day but our Gracen's birthday was October 2nd, 2011. I love this baby so much, its a part of us, family, and I'm so glad we had 8 weeks together! Isn't it amazing how you can love someone so much that you haven't even seen in person yet? Great example of how we also love Christ or should love Christ!
Our only picture as a family of four!! The day we found out.
Things I leaned on and read: "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 AMEN to that!!
""Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 NIV "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference..."
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and He will direct your paths” Prov 3:5-6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your request to God." Philippians 4:6 "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Song dedicated to this situation and now my life...
"An angel wrote your baby's birthday in the book of life.
When the book closed the angel whispered 'too beautiful and perfect for
earth.'"
We love you Baby Gracen Hoshell.
It happens more than you know...
"Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according
to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).
Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized
pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Chemical pregnancies
may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy
is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs
around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize
that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy. " American Pregnancy Association
