It's time to share with the world our story that got us to where we are today! Sharing our story is hard, even still, but it makes us who we are as a family and our gracious God chose it to happen for a reason, so I felt led to include it in our journey!!
This was us on September 3rd, 2011.
Day we found out I was four weeks pregnant and we'd soon be a family of four!!
This was us on September 3rd, 2011.
Day we found out I was four weeks pregnant and we'd soon be a family of four!!
Even though it was kind of a spur-of-the-moment decision to actually try for a second one we had talked about it before and Chris was animate on having them about 2yrs apart because of sports, etc. He had once said after we had Aiden, "Decide if you want more cause its 2yrs or we stick with one and done!" That was our phrase, "One and done!" Which we were okay with then and used so freely when someone asked us about having more. I mean we were totally in control of that, right? I was nervous to expand again because Aiden had just turned one and I knew it had to be soon if that was gonna happen that way and I didn't know if I could handle them that close (double diapers, bottles, tantrums, lack of sleep, strollers, and on, and on ran through my head!). I prayed and thought about it and decided I'd want to get pregnant during the fall again to be 'recovered' by the summer and they'd be just under 2yrs! So, then we both became guilty of trying to work it all out for OUR great plan and wanted it for selfish reasons I'd say as I look back! Anyway to move on...but that had to be told to make the point at the end. I didn't schedule my first pre-natal visit until Oct 13th as I'd be between 9-10 weeks along and they said it was okay as I had a great first pregnancy they usually don't see you till later unless you have a problem and NEED to come in earlier. I was due May 14th. At 7 weeks along I began to bleed and feel very weird. I laid down and tried not to freak out, but after a few hours of worrying I decided to phone the nurse line and talk to them. After a few updates there was no need for an ER visit at the time. Sunday morning I woke up feeling MUCH worse and had all the signs of a miscarriage as my bleeding increased, my back hurt, and I had a headache. I told Chris we needed to head to Baptist Women's so we got ready for that instead of church. I stayed there 4hrs getting checked, monitored, blood work, and extensive ultra sound done.The u/s showed baby was intrauterine (for those who don't know that's a good thing!) but was measuring a little small and HR was low (not really a good thing). I was told to go to my regular OBGYN the next morning. So, Monday we did as soon as they could get us in which was easy considering they had hospital records sent to them on my status. We were nervous of course to see what progress what made or not made since yesterday, during my u/s the tech was having trouble finding the HR and the baby looked so tiny (of course they're all tiny at 7 wks but I remember Aiden's first ultra sound at 6 wks and they looked the same). The tech FINALLY found it after I did the breathing technique she had me do then hold my breath so it picked up better. I got up off the table feeling like I was in slow motion, a blur in a horror movie. They took us in to see the doctor and she informed us I was "high-risk for a miscarriage at the moment." My progesterone levels had dropped from blood work at hospital so she prescribed progesterone meds to help increase it. The baby was measuring smaller than due date and blood work says I was. I was 7wks 1 day and baby was 6wks 1d with a HR of 100bpm. Which "isn't too bad for the weeks measuring" per our doctor but she did say "it was low enough for concern with the other problems I was having." The three things (hormone levels, HR, and small growth) together is what wasn't looking too good on the outcome... If given just one of the three we may have been okay but not all three at once. I was given bed rest, medicine, and instructions to come back on Thursday to do it all over again. So, after crying and praying for God to intervene and save our baby, we decided on the way home that we had to tell our parents and inform them of what was happening as we now needed help with Aiden and me during days ahead. Sure wasn't how we wanted to tell of our 'exciting' news which is now not so 'exciting' to share, but God had other plans. It was the longest two days I've ever had. I prayed, cried, slept very little, and tried not to be anxious and worry (1 Peter 5:7). We went back on Thurs (with out Aiden this time since family knew they kept him so Chris could be more attentive and there for me) and the u/s showed baby was STILL behind and HR was hanging on but STILL at 100pbm. That appointment the Dr wasn't as re-assuring now that two days of medicine and no progress was at hand. Chris asked her straight up, "Do you think she'll miscarry based on what you see today?" She really didn't want to answer as she hesitated and looked a little sadder as she spoke, "I've seen pregnancies just like this turn out full term, but you're chances of loosing the baby are high." I took a deep breath and tried to hold back the tears, not that I didn't already kind of know this but hearing it was hard. I had prayed and prayed for God to let it all be okay, save and heal our baby, let there be progress this time, and so on. We both had every night since that ER visit and know our family/friends we told had too. I got dressed, we were told to continue bed rest/medicine and come back on Tues and we walked out with what felt like lost hope. I told myself I wasn't going to get depressed, not yet, God could perform miracles so the Doctors weren't always right and my baby was still living inside me!! We did, however, have a change of heart felt faith and a tugging saying we were still being selfish, trying to make it turn out how WE wanted it to, and not FULLY letting God have the outcome. So, that night we prayed for God to still save our baby... but not in the same request we had been all week. This time we asked Him to save the baby from suffering (whether that be to heal it and let it live or take it home to be with Him in perfectness). The baby was fighting for his/her life already at 6, 7, and now 8 weeks and not even in the world yet so I knew it wasn't fair and we had to let go of my desires. It wasn't right to keep holding on to something just because we saw it as ours, it was really Gods (Psalm 127:3) and He sent his ONLY son to die for us with no hesitation! I didn't deserve for Him to give His son which He loved so much to suffer on my behalf, but He did and with love at that. I was trying to hold onto my SECOND child (I already had a perfect, loving little boy he blessed us with just 14 months before this) and I realized I needed to fully give this to God. It may not be the outcome I wanted, but I had to trust that whatever happened was HIS plan for our life (Jeremiah 29:11). It was the longest week ever! Friday, Saturday, and Sunday morning my bleeding actually slowed up a lot. I was getting excited and thinking its getting better!! Well, I got up off the couch in the middle of a movie we were watching and went to the bathroom as I felt funny and around 4pm I miscarried. My heart stopped and I was speechless. Yes, that's right...I began to improve then out of no where my worst fear happened. I can honestly say it was nothing like what I had heard, read, or imagined it to be thanks to the grace of God. I didn't have any heavy bleeding during or after, cramping, vomiting, etc as I actually didn't feel a thing!! I only knew it happened b/c I saw it. I sat down, it happened, and was over! That was an answered prayer in itself. I believe that was ALL GOD as I had realized through the week (as I said earlier) that maybe the prayers we were asking were selfish and we wrong as it wasn't Gods will for this baby to live and it was struggling in there. So I began to pray in a selfless way and just ask for peace and strength to get through what ever the outcome and if the baby wasn't meant to live to just take it back so it doesn't have to fight for a life its not meant to have and if the miscarriage could go quick and painless please (okay, that might have been a little selfish) so I could get back to raising the little boy I did have as he wasn't his usual self as Mommy hadn't picked him up or done everything for him all week like I always did. It hurt me not to be there for him day or night but it hurt to know I may loose a child so I did what I had to do. From one Sunday to the next Sunday our excitement quickly turned into loss and grieve. I have prayed so much and still I can say I don't know where to go from here. You think what was wrong? Will it happen again? Was it a boy or girl? What is Gods plan for all this? What am I not seeing?
Well, its been almost a year since that journey began and I STILL don't know ALL of Gods reasons for our miscarriage. I DO know that He opened our eyes to the fact that we needed to draw closer to Him, each other, and as a family as things can change in an instant whether you are ready or not. Would I change it? That's a hard one. I want my baby here with me but if I chose to change it than I learned nothing and aren't really at peace, giving it all to God. So, NO! We thought we were submitting to Gods will daily, but after that we realized we still had our selfish ways and desires. Its not about us, what we want, when we want something, or how we want it... We are Gods children and here to worship Him in every way! Through this we worship His mighty name and praise Him for opening our eyes, carrying us through this tough time, healing our baby, and loving us through it all. I never thought I could handle something like that, don't get me wrong its been hard and I have break downs (that aren't happening as often as months past), but I did and with a greater faith than before!! God has the full puzzle put together and we just see each piece as life goes on and until we get to Heaven we will never FULLY understand every moment in our life whether its joy, strife, grief, excitement. We aren't just to praise God in the good times when things are going smooth but in every situation (2 Corinthians 2:14). Its hard but it has given us a greater sense of faith and trust in our God. I miss our baby every day, but am at peace knowing its in Heaven in perfectness and isn't hurting anymore. God reminded us through this that our plans aren't the right ones or the right reasons and HIS are perfect to give it all to Him and stop taking control and submit to His will in everything even when you think you are, pray and make sure! We decided to name the baby the weekend of May 14th (my due date). We bought a wood cross from Hernando's A-fair the week before and decided on 'Gracen' since we thought it represented either gender and the situation of Gods grace on us during the whole thing perfectly, hence the spelling! That cross, a solar light, and daylillies are in our back yard in memory of Gracen and I often look over and smile knowing one day I will hold my baby! Oh what a sweet day that will be.
I will always remember this event as its a big emotional part of me and my family. I won't know this side of Heaven why this happened but I know it HAD to happen and there IS a reason! For a while I didn't talk about it with people other than the family and close friends who knew, but then I realized the more I kept it in the more I grieved and felt as though I did something wrong (which I know I didn't) and that maybe part of our journey was to share our story to help others going through the same thing or to share Gods love! "More of you and less of me" verse in the Christian song gets me to thinking... Why was I hesitant to share it openly? Was I worried what people would think? Maybe that we'd get more attention and constantly be crying in public as another person have us their apoligies? What was it? Well, I don't exactly know... everyone handles things differently but through prayer I know I have to let it out to start letting it go! Its part of us, Gods plan for us, we have a child in Heaven. It will never be erased from me, but I can be more comfortable with it as time passes. We will be a complete family of four (unless God surprises us with another pregnancy) in Heaven for eternity and that's more time than I would have ever had on earth with my baby! I am at peace knowing this... not to say the 14th of May won't be a hard day but our Gracen's birthday was October 2nd, 2011. I love this baby so much, its a part of us, family, and I'm so glad we had 8 weeks together! Isn't it amazing how you can love someone so much that you haven't even seen in person yet? Great example of how we also love Christ or should love Christ!
Our only picture as a family of four!! The day we found out.
Things I leaned on and read:
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 AMEN to that!!
""Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 NIV
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference..."
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and He will direct your paths” Prov 3:5-6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your request to God." Philippians 4:6
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Song dedicated to this situation and now my life...
Things I leaned on and read:
"I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength" Philippians 4:13 AMEN to that!!
""Now FAITH is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1 NIV
"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference..."
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, but in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM and He will direct your paths” Prov 3:5-6
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, present your request to God." Philippians 4:6
"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
Song dedicated to this situation and now my life...
"An angel wrote your baby's birthday in the book of life.
When the book closed the angel whispered 'too beautiful and perfect for
earth.'"
We love you Baby Gracen Hoshell.
It happens more than you know...
"Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy. "
American Pregnancy Association
It happens more than you know...
"Miscarriage is the most common type of pregnancy loss, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG). Studies reveal that anywhere from 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. The woman may not realize that she conceived when she experiences a chemical pregnancy. "
American Pregnancy Association
