We had such a good time spending time with both families yesterday. It was a long day, but enjoyed it. We started the day at my Grandparents house with the Smith/Weeks crew to eat and the kids (also includes the men, lol) played football outside. Some of us stayed in and chatted. The house looked nice and the food was so good. We missed a couple that couldn't make it but you guys were in our thoughts. Later that evening we visited Chris' family at his parents. Its always nice b/c at least one of his out of town aunts (and their family) comes to visit! My mother in law had all her Christmas stuff up and if you know her, you know its a lot! So pretty! A loved it. He said she had "big Christmas." We ate and hung out before we headed home.
God has given us so much to be thankful for its hard to name them all. I am trying to be more thankful for even the little things that is easy to just "look over" sometimes! Each of us have different things we've been blessed with. I've said it before that some see others are "more blessed" but its not whats on the outside but the inside and what is according to your needs not wants! Nothing is ours with out God giving it first so give back to him not only in prayer, worship, etc but in tithe too!! Being a Christian means you do it all for His glory, not just what's comfortable to you. Its about sacrifice as he sacrificed His life for us. Give up a shopping spree or nights out and put that 10%(or whatever you choose) where it belongs... to God first! Just thought I'd throw that in there...
God is faithful. I know that full well. Even in the hardest times I never feel alone. God is always there to listen. He already knows what I'm thinking but talking really helps! He has also given me Chris. A good support system and Godly man that I have been in love with for 13 years! Aiden who keeps me smiling even when I have bad days. He is so loving, sweet, and caring to be so young. Thankful for that. Surrounded by those three things daily makes me realize how lucky I am!
The months of Oct - Nov are now hard to get through. Who would expect them different if they've read my blog post prior? We lost (what would have been our second child) Gracen first of October 2011. It was a hard few months after that last year. November, trying to get back to normal and then holidays hitting. It wasn't easy! I prayed more daily than I ever have, I cried more than I ever have, and I was grateful more than I ever have been. When you have something like a baby taken from you, or a loved one of any kind for that matter, you realize what matters and what you should be focusing on! The things you forgot to thank God for and we all do that from time to time. I heard a quote on KLove radio one day.
"What if you woke up tomorrow only with things you thanked God for today!" Wow!
Well, a year later and those two months are still hard to get through. Its easier, but still hard. When things come up that throw you back in the moment. Things around you remind you of that time. When others are celebrating their news when you are still grieving over yours. Its all hard.
Just know that days get easier, the pain never goes away but hurts less every day (at least for me), and God is always faithful. I lean on Romans 12:12 "Be joyful in hope, Patient in trouble, and Faithful in prayer."
I am so thankful that my friend, Christy Dunlop, told me about this!! Chris, Aiden, and I attended the 3rd annual "Walk to Remember" hosted by CrossHeart Ministries on October 22, 2012 at Colliverville.
Here is copy of brochure!
In honor of our baby Gracen Hoshell
We arrived, signed in and got our goodies. It consisted of a t-shirt
(with baby names on back), bracelets for infant loss, brochures for
CrossHeart, balloon (pink or blue if you knew gender or green if you
didn't) to write on, sticker that said "I'm a Mom!" We took pictures
and began meeting people. Robin and her husband gave a great speech and led the two
mile walk around the pond. The point was "as we walk for the steps our little ones will never take." That alone can make you cry, but there is a sense of peace in me only God can give! After that, we all
gathered and listened to another speech from Robin (founder of
CrossHeart) and her short version of testimony. Its amazing to hear!
Then we waited on baby names to be called our in alphabetical order and
we released balloons at that time. The sky filled with balloons, such
peaceful feeling! They served pizza and waters after that for all to
enjoy and continue chatting. We left shortly after that and talked the
whole way home of our experience and how glad we were that we did that
as a family!!!
It was an amazing experience. The testimony CrossHeart gives and the support they offer is incredible. The people we met. The openness everyone had and were able to talk/share about our stories and babies we love. To see all the parents that came out to honor their baby/babies was comforting. Why? Because you know you are not only alone in the grief, peace, and yearning for your baby. Knowing that these babies are considered lives to more people than yourself. They are a life in Heaven that we WILL see one day. Same as a grandmother dying, a baby dies and is perfect in Gods house! Its a life lost! No matter how young or old, we lost them... and miss them! I love their "healing" vision verse which is: Psalm147:3 "God heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."
It was a heart breaking experience. To see just how MANY babies have been lost too soon. To see each set of parents holding their balloon(s) in honor of that baby they don't get to hold. Looking up at OUR balloon thinking about Gracen. To see the NUMBER of balloons some were holding. Here I was holding ONE balloon, missing my baby so much and there were some holding a clump of them! It humbled me. Strong people out there for sure. God is good and knowing that all those babies are in His presence is comforting in that moment too. I mean, we did release balloons in the sky to our babies...
Although it was an amazing yet heart breaking experience, I enjoyed every minute of it. Chris said he did too, even felt comfortable and he talked/shared with two other men. One being Robin's husband who has a big testimony of how God is faithful. It was a much needed sense of "closure" for me to spend that day honoring our baby with others that feel the exact same way. Its hard to talk about loosing your baby with others because some feel awkward (if they haven't experienced it themself), some don't care, some don't understand. In this moment everyone KNEW with out even having to speak! We did speak though and it felt good. We cried, smiled, and prayed together. Aiden loved the balloon release part the most. He understood (somewhat) of what we were doing. As we let go of the balloon when they called out "Gracen" our sweet boy, Aiden, says "That's Gracen's balloon!" He knows Gracen is in Heaven and that its his "sister" as he says. One day we will know for sure!
Thank you God for your amazing grace and showing us we are not alone! Yet another "bring us out of our comfort zone" moment. Walk to Remember for a lost baby is something I never thought I would be attending....
